auror's Blog

 A LADY NEVER DIES. She merely moves on to higher & greater dimesions that she choses to .. from all the ones that she has discovered & explored. That's why SHE REMAINS TO BE  'the'  QUINTESSENTIAL LIFE.
{..yeah !! call me the hopelessly lost forever 'romantic' ... Well ! .. ask any 'moved on' lady if you do not believe me.......   I AM ALIVE.}

 A LADY NEVER DIES. She merely moves on to higher & greater dimesions that she choses to .. from all the ones that she has discovered & explored. That's why SHE REMAINS TO BE  'the'  QUINTESSENTIAL LIFE.
{..yeah !! call me the hopelessly lost forever 'romantic' ... Well ! .. ask any 'moved on' lady if you do not believe me.......   I AM ALIVE.}

 A LADY NEVER DIES. She merely moves on to higher & greater dimesions that she choses to .. from all the ones that she has discovered & explored. That's why SHE REMAINS TO BE  'the'  QUINTESSENTIAL LIFE.
{..yeah !! call me the hopelessly lost forever 'romantic' ... Well ! .. ask any 'moved on' lady if you do not believe me.......   I AM ALIVE.}

 Auror I fully agree we need to reach out to others. sometimes people get focused on thinking they only need a relationship or partner to be happy. We need to feel loved in all ways not just the romantic way and what better way to feel the love when you give it. Its only natural for you to recieve not from the same people but from people who value love which is the best. "

1. Make a deal with yourself. Good for overcoming procrastination and getting things done. You can make the deal small or large. You simple tell yourself something like: When I’m done with this chapter/these reports I can take a walk in the park and enjoy an ice-cream.

2. Act like it. If you don’t feel motivated or enthusiastic then act like it. The strange thing is that within a few minutes you actually start to feel motivated or enthusiastic for real.

3. Ask uplifting questions in the morning. Here’s what you do; every morning ask yourself five empowering three-part questions this way:

What am I ______ about in my life right now?
What about it makes me _______?
How does it make me feel?

Put in your own value in the blank space. For instance, a couple of my questions are:

What am I happy about in my life right now?
What am I excited about in my life right now?

It’s important that you really feel how it makes you feel. When I think about the last part about what makes me happy right now I really feel it. These morning questions are great because the way they are set up makes you recognize things you take for granted and then they really get you to feel those positive feelings.

4. Move the goalposts.Set a large and specific goal. This will motivate you much more than small goals. A big goal has a big effect and can create a lot of motivation.

5. Do something small and create a flow. Just clean your desk. Or pay your bills. Or wash the dishes. You just need to get started. When you have finished that small task you’ll feel more alert and ready to go do the next thing. You just to get started to get motivated. So if you really don’t feel like doing anything, start with something small and work your way out up.

6. Do the toughest task first. This will ease a lot of your day-to-day worries and boost your self-confidence for the rest of the day. Read more about doing the hardest task bright and early right here.

7. Start slow. Instead of jumping into something at full speed start slow. When you do that your mind will not visualize the task as something hard that you have to do fast, fast, fast. If your mind sees such things guess what often happens? Yep, you don’t get started. Actually getting started, even if it’s at a slow pace, is a whole lot better than not getting started at all.

8. Compare yourself with yourself. Not with others. Comparing what you have and your results to what other people have and have accomplished can really kill your motivation. There are always people ahead of you. Most likely quite a bit of people. And a few of them are miles ahead. So focus on you. On your results. And how you can and have improved them.

Reviewing your results is important so you see where you have gone wrong in the past to avoid similar missteps further on. But it’s also important because it’s a great motivator to see how much you have improved and how far you have come. Often you can be pleasantly surprised when you do such a review.

9. Remember your successes. And let them flow through your mind instead of your failures. Write down your successes. Consider using a journal of some kind since it’s easy to forget your successes.

10. Act like your heroes.Read about them, watch them, listen to them. Discover what they did that was special and what made them tick. But remember that they are people just like us. So let them inspire you instead of looking up at them admiringly.

11. Remember to have fun.Or create fun in a task. Then you’ll stay motivated to do and finish it.

12. Get out of your comfort zone.Face your challenges to get a real boost of motivation. If you are holding yourself back have a look at 5 Life-Changing Keys to Overcoming Your Fear and the methods in this article. They can help you get started and take that first scary step outside your comfort zone.

13. Don’t fear failure.Instead redefine it as feedback and as a natural part of a successful life. As Michael Jordan said:

“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

Also, try to find the valuable lesson(s) in each of your failures. Ask yourself: What can I learn from this?

14. Do some research on what you are about to do. Then your expectations will be more grounded in reality and you can also get good hints on what difficulties that you might run into along the way. Managing your expectations can lower the often almost explosive initial enthusiasm. But it can also lessen the lack of motivation that usually follows when most of that enthusiasm has dissipated.

When you know what has happened to others in similar situations – what path they have walked – you can adapt and try their solutions (and personal variations of those) and your own. This makes the worries and challenges easier to handle. Both emotionally – since you know at least some of the things that will happen and that others have lived through it before – and practically.

15. Figure out why you´re doing something. If you don’t know or don’t have good enough reason to do something then it will be hard to get it done. Do things that you have really strong reasons to do. If you want to do something then figure out a good reason to do it. If you can’t find one consider dropping it and doing something that you have a good reason to do instead.

16. Write down your goals and reasons for working towards them. Tape them on your wall, computer or bathroom mirror. Then you’ll be reminded throughout the day and it becomes easier to stay on track and stay focused.

17. Take The Positivity Challenge!Learn to think more positively most of the time. Learn to let to go of negative threads of thought before they have a chance to take hold of you. You might not be able to be positive all the time no matter what happens. But I think most of us can improve on our positive thinking and the results it can lead us to. Perhaps more than you realize right now.

18. Cut down on TV.Do you watch it too much? Watch less of what they are doing in TV-land and do more of what you want to do in life.

19. Break it down.Break down your task or project into small steps. And just start with focusing on that first small step. When you are done move on to the next and just focus on that one. The small successes will keep your motivation up and keeping your focus away from the big picture stops you from becoming overwhelmed and discouraged. It’s amazing how much you can get done if you follow this simple method.

20. Reprogram your information intake.Program out negative and cynical thoughts from the media and society. Reduce your information intake. Then program in positive news and entertainment, more of your own thoughts and useful information such as personal growth tapes and books. Be selective and keep it positive.

21. Make use of your creativity.Take out a piece of paper. Write at the top of the page what area in your life you would like to have more ideas about. Perhaps you want ideas to earn more money or become a healthier person. Then brainstorm until you have written down 20 ideas on that topic. Then try for 10 more. Not all ideas will be good. But some will. And as you make use of your creativity you not only discover useful ideas. You also discover just how creative you can be if you try and how motivating and great that feels. Have a look at 8 Ways to Spark Your Creativity for more ideas on this topic.

22. Find out what makes you happy.Then do that. As much as you want or can.

23. Listen while you’re on the move.Build your own small library of motivational/personal development tapes. Listen to them while you are driving, riding the bus or your bike, while you are out running or walking. Take a peek at my recommended personal development products if you are looking for a good place to start.

24. Think outside your box.Don’t imagine the future from the box of what you have now. Just because your mind is in box of previous experiences doesn’t mean that´s the limits of the world. Your possibilities are much larger. Create the future from the now and from nothing rather than your past to experience bigger changes with fewer limitations than you would if you created it from what you can see from your box.

25. Make each day count.We don’t have all the time in the world. So focus on today and do the things you really want to do.

Macavity's a Mystery Cat: he's called the Hidden Paw--
For he's the master criminal who can defy the Law.
He's the bafflement of Scotland Yard, the Flying Squad's despair:
For when they reach the scene of crime--Macavity's not there!

Macavity, Macavity, there's no on like Macavity,
He's broken every human law, he breaks the law of gravity.
His powers of levitation would make a fakir stare,
And when you reach the scene of crime--Macavity's not there!
You may seek him in the basement, you may look up in the air--
But I tell you once and once again, Macavity's not there!

Macavity's a ginger cat, he's very tall and thin;
You would know him if you saw him, for his eyes are sunken in.
His brow is deeply lined with thought, his head is highly doomed;
His coat is dusty from neglect, his whiskers are uncombed.
He sways his head from side to side, with movements like a snake;
And when you think he's half asleep, he's always wide awake.

Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity,
For he's a fiend in feline shape, a monster of depravity.
You may meet him in a by-street, you may see him in the square--
But when a crime's discovered, then Macavity's not there!

He's outwardly respectable. (They say he cheats at cards.)
And his footprints are not found in any file of Scotland Yard's.
And when the larder's looted, or the jewel-case is rifled,
Or when the milk is missing, or another Peke's been stifled,
Or the greenhouse glass is broken, and the trellis past repair--
Ay, there's the wonder of the thing! Macavity's not there!

And when the Foreign Office finds a Treaty's gone astray,
Or the Admiralty lose some plans and drawings by the way,
There may be a scap of paper in the hall or on the stair--
But it's useless of investigate--Macavity's not there!
And when the loss has been disclosed, the Secret Service say:
"It must have been Macavity!"--but he's a mile away.
You'll be sure to find him resting, or a-licking of his thumbs,
Or engaged in doing complicated long division sums.

Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity,
There never was a Cat of such deceitfulness and suavity.
He always has an alibit, or one or two to spare:
And whatever time the deed took place--MACAVITY WASN'T THERE!
And they say that all the Cats whose wicked deeds are widely known
(I might mention Mungojerrie, I might mention Griddlebone)
Are nothing more than agents for the Cat who all the time
Just controls their operations: the Napoleon of Crime!

Sadness and joy both exist. What I pay attention to pays attention to me. I choose what to pay attention to - I just have to !!  **********I MUST BE{GOTTA BE} extremely serious about my goal of being happy .. goal of a happy life ... or I would not be able to move on !!!**********

~~~~~~~~~~Unless I move on I would not be able to evolve:)~~~~~~~~~~

I CAN NOT AFFORD TO BE OBSOLETE .

Parental Injunctions may have been directly expressed, implied through role modeling, reinforced by giving strokes to the child for certain behavior, or misinterpretations/fantasy's of the child.

Injunctions are parental messages that instruct the child what not to do. These beliefs are the "Should", "Must", and "Ought" beliefs that we hold about how things are in the world.

Some Injunctions are good and helpful while others become limiting beliefs that can sabotage our relationships and life goals.

Key Point: Parental Injunctions are experienced internally by the Child ego state in First Position.

We may react aggressively from the Angry/Defiant Child...Passively from the Vulnerable/Needy Child...or Passive-aggressively from a mixture of both. When someone violates one of our Injunctions we may respond from our Critical Parent ego state in order to "get them to act right".

When someone in present day "triggers" one of these injunctions we tend to react the same way we reacted to our parent in childhood -- it's an automatic response coming from our implicit memory banks instructing the Child "how to respond".

In their book, Changing Lives through Redecision Therapy, Robert Goulding, MD and Mary McClure Goulding, MSW have listed several general Injunctions to look for when working on change. They are listed below:

• "Don’t..." - Fearful, over-protective parents say don’t climb trees, don’t run, don’t try, don’t go too far, don’t pay rough, don’t go too high on the swings, etc. These parents also tend to do everything for the child. The child gets the message that they must be fragile, or incompetent, and/or every decision they face is critical and, therefore, has trouble making decisions.
• "Don’t Be" - Some verbal examples of how children adopt this Injunction are…
  • "If it weren’t for you children, I could divorce your father…"
  • "You were a mistake"
  • "See what you do, why do you put me through this!"
  • "I wish you’d never been born!"
  The message can be delivered in a multitude of non-verbal ways such as how the parent cares for and holds the child, the facial expressions and tone of voice, frowns, scowls, etc.
• "Don’t Be Close" - Discouraging the child from coming close, a lack of attention and affection, lack of physical touching, and a lack of positive strokes all send signals that may be interpreted as "Don’t Be close". Also, losing several people who have been close may be enough for a child to decide it is not worth getting close because "People I care about always leave me".
• "Don’t Be Important" - This injunction comes from messages like "kids are to be seen, not heard", "Keep your mouth shut at the dinner table", or other discounts about how they may nothing of importance to offer. Children who are made fun of because of how they look, their race, or their social status may experience this injunction… unless they have made other decisions to "show everyone" how good they are.
• "Don’t Be a Child" - Children who have been assigned the role of taking care of the younger children may have lost or given up their own childhood. They continue to function without the childlike qualities they have not yet developed. Other methods of conveying this message include telling a five year-old to "grow up!" or giving a toddler positive strokes for being "little men" or "proper little ladies".
• "Don’t Grow" - The baby of the family often is the recipient of this Injunction, especially when the empty nest is approaching. This is usually the case when there is not a lot of intimacy between the parents or in single parent situations. Fathers may send this message to their daughters when they refuse to allow make-up, dating, wearing certain clothes when it is really an age-appropriate thing to do.
• "Don’t Succeed" - A father may send the message to "not do better than me" by quitting when his son begins to win at the game they are playing. Expecting perfection or frequently saying things like "You can’t do anything right!" or "What the hell is wrong with you?" are other ways this message gets conveyed.
• "Don’t Be You" - Children who get the message they are not the sex that was preferred by their parents adopt this Injunction. A mother with four boys who wanted a girl may subconsciously make the youngest one her "daughter". Or a father with all girls may make one of them a "little buddy" by giving positive strokes for doing son-like activities.
• "Don’t Be Sane" - Children who grow up with a parent or parents who have a mental illness can learn how to do mental illness through role modeling. They may also be negatively stroked for healthy thinking and positively stroked for silly or bizarre behaviors. Most often, double-bind messages from parent to child where the child is "damned if s/he does and damned if s/he doesn’t" can foster this injunction.
• "Don’t Be Well" - Some children only experienced nurturing when they were sick. They grow up to use the sick role to gain attention of others and to self-nurture as well. Usually at a subconscious level, getting well would mean isolation and abandonment to someone with this Injunction.
• "Don’t Belong" - Children who move a lot are most often the ones who have learned not to attach to a social group because as soon as they make attachments they move again and have to start all over. Other circumstances include kids who were frequently put down or made fun of for one reason or another by other kids.

Distorted Reality - Other Injunctions

Dysfunctional family members learn several unwritten rules that perpetuate dysfunctional relationships. These rules are learned by experiences very early in life and become deeply embedded in the neural networks of how to relate to others:

• "Don't Talk" - Kids learn not to talk about problems because…
  • "If I don't talk about it then it won't hurt and will go away"
  • Parents give negative strokes for bringing it up
  • Abandonment of needs creates fear of abandonment for displeasing the parent
  • There is shame about what is going on
  • The child is directly told not to talk about it
  • Other family members role-model not talking by "ignoring" reality
  • No one knows how to talk about it
• "Don't Trust" - Kids learn not to trust due to…
  • Broken Promises
  • Unpredictability
  • Emotional Unavailability of the parents who are preoccupied with the problem or each other.
  • Mutual Denial
    • Parents discount the child's reality - "Your father's not drunk! He has the flu...Don't you ever say that again!"
    • Through fantasy the child develops their own system of denial to create a false sense of security.
• "Don't Feel" - Kids learn not to feel because…
  • expressions of fear, sadness, anger, guilt, embarrassment, loneliness are not allowed because they may trigger the same in the parent
  • The Little Professor in a child builds walls to protect against these feelings (See Survival Roles)
  • Learning to emotionally "Numb Out" creates physical, emotional and psychological safety